Sunday, May 31, 2009

Hey kids!

So how awesome is this?! I got a message today from a consignment boutique in NY wanting to sell my things in their store! I'm pretty stoked. We'll see how it turns out. But this is the first time someone has sought me out.

Also, there are 2 stores here that I've been meaning to set up a meeting with to talk about them carrying my jewelry in also. It's a matter of not wanting to be turned down, that makes me procrastinate in doing so. :(

Also, I'd really like to make it back to California in July. There are several bands coming through that I would love to see. Makes my little heart skip a beat thinking about seeing them. We'll see how that goes. Looks doubtful.

I went out yesterday with my friend, who also just moved to Massachusetts from Los Angeles, and we went and had Thai food from My Thai in Chinatown. yum yum. Connie was excited about getting some thai food. While she was gushing about what she was going to eat (bbq chicken), I pointed out they don't have that there. She said "WHAT?! What do you mean? Of course they do. All Thai places do." And I said, "um, wanna bet?" With a huge grin. "They don't serve meat at all there." She instantly looked heart broken. Like she was thinking "fucking asshole tricked me into going to some hippie place to eat" Well, she was pleasantly surprised that it was tasty. We walked a lot. (I was going to insert "wicked" somewhere in there, but I refuse to submit to that.) Anyway, we had Tealux, well I had Tealux. I really do love me some tea. And then later we went to the park for some fried dough only to realize it was gone and we were shit outta luck. So, we went for a walk around the park. Saw a hot dude and I smiled. I really do need some damn male attention. I'm lonely over here. Geeze. Then I casually suggested we walked back towards the T in hopes we'd see my pierced dreamboat somewhere over there. False.

Speaking of dreamboats. There are a lot of red heads here. I'm in red head heaven here. Geeze. **replaying note from self dated a few months ago: "Note to self, next boyfriend will be a red head." end transmission** Looks promising. Maybe I'll like it here if I go meet some sexy boys. Hmm... show tomorrow at All Asia.... maybe I'll meet some men there.

Know-it-all's, NOT-INTO-THEM.

Not being able to vent about things openly on my facebook and myspace has made me want to burst at the seems. There are lurkers everywhere waiting for me to say something they can repeat. So here's my only outlet.

We learn things. All the time. Starts at birth. We learn to walk, talk, read, write, have our own opinions, pick up our toys, say please and thank you, be helpful, be courteous, help others in need, fix things, grow things, to not say anything if you don't have anything nice to say, not be rude, listen to people, be respectful, etc.

So where does that all go when we grow up? How do we forget about these things?! Respecting other people's belief's. Cleaning up after yourself. Not being rude about it when asked to. Not saying anything if you don't have anything nice to say. Listening to other people's feelings because they are just as valid as your own, regardless of how stupid you think they are. Helping to clean up the table when someone has just made breakfast/lunch/dinner. Or reading people's actions.

I know, if something's wrong, say something. Don't be that dumb, annoying person that says everything's fine, when everything isn't fine. But when you say what's wrong and the person walks away because they think you're being ridiculous... Doesn't really make you want to open up all that much.

Is it not possible to have a happy medium between people? Can't you say "hey, I'm having a really hard time with everything that's going on. I need some space. You can't be doing everything for me." Why do I then feel abandoned? Left COMPLETELY ALONE.

I know. I seem crazy. And all these things that I talk about... no one else sees them. It's as if, when no one is around, we don't speak. But the second someone is around, I'm being spoken to again. Knowing I talk about what's going on. As if to cover the tracks. Now I really do sound just cryptic and crazy.

Well, this turned into an intense post. I guess I should end it here.

Oh! But wait, I will add one more intense thing.

Awhile back, while looking through my CD's I found the CD I had burned of a mix tape my friend Ian sent me in 2004, right because his death. Well, I made a myspace music page of this tape. Well, his daughter's mother's sister contacted me through there. She had all these great pictures of him and of his daughter that she wanted to tag of him. His daughter, Sophie, is 8 years old now. And she really is beautiful. And it made me so damn sad. I know exactly how she will feel over the years, as she gets older, as she realizes more and more what happened. And misses him and longs for him to be in her life. Dreaming that it wasn't true. That her mother was just protecting her from a life she didn't want for her. But knowing, it's true.... he's gone. She'll never know him.

If you are reading this blog for the first time and don't know me, well then here's a little background. My dad died when I was 5 years old. He was told to leave when I was 3. He did drugs. And that's what eventually killed him, here in Boston. Maybe that's why I'm here. I'm afraid though, if I stay here as long as he did, I may give up also.

Well, Sophie, Ian's daughter was 3 years old when he passed away. Drugs are what got him also. It's such crap that some how, even though I don't do drugs, and I barely knew my dad, I can't seem to date someone without a drug problem. It's as if the ones that don't use, are boring. As if I crave the problems and the heartache.

2 years ago I lost another friend, Chuck, to drugs. Chuck had been sober off and on. And I had met him after Ian had passed away. So when he started using again, I told him I couldn't be around that. I couldn't stand the pain again. And we stopped talking. In '07 we started talking again. He died in Oct shortly after that. I was crushed of course....

g'night friends... now that I've rehashed all these awful feelings it's time for bed. I've already had a rough evening of crying on the phone with my mom.


p.s. I love you too Ian, I didn't get to tell you that enough. I love you and miss you so damn much that it kills me inside....

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